Power to Me

I don't know what's come over me. I've been feeling so down lately. You know, all those "I'm worth nothing", "I'm being irritating to others again...", "Why can't I do anything right?", "Everyone hates me.", "I'm useless.", "I'm a nuisance that needs to be squashed like a bug.." kind of thoughts. Well, I guess I've been feeling like that because all those are true...

But that's not the point. One can't go through life feeling like a miserable wreck, even if one IS, in fact, a miserable wreck. Because to do so would be to not live at all; to do so would be to deny the gift that one's parents gave freely and willingly; to do so would be to deny oneself totally and absolutely. There exists more strength in willing to face one's weakness than in denying its existance.

Oh, heavens above, if there is any benign power, strike me down now! Look at the hypocrisy I've just displayed in my previous paragraph! And the arrogance in this paragraph. I deserve to die, my life should be called forfeit... But I'm still alive, so I'll make the most out of it.

That's right, I'm going to live my life again. Right now, I don't know exactly what it will be. Maybe it has already reappeared. I've rediscovered my love for writing and MUDding, and my addiction for video games is wearing off. Maybe I'll stop pursuing that Diablo 2 download that never works, and start devoting my time to completing the series I've started but never continued.

Or maybe the key to unlocking this darkness within me is in work. Perhaps I should find work, or maybe just throw myself headfirst into catching up on schoolwork. God knows I need to. Have you ever felt the satisfaction of working your ass out and then slumping into bed, totally drained but having acheived a million and one things? Yes, maybe I'll aim for that. Judging from my laziness, that day is still a long way away, but well, you know what they say, "A huge step a day helps significantly. A small step a day helps insignificantly. Not stepping at all destroys all chance of success." I may not be able to take huge steps, but perhaps with that tiny step, I'll reach my goal some day.

Maybe it'll come too late to save me, but what the hell, it is still better than not stepping at all.

Haha, its so easy to feel motivated and inspirational when you're presented with only 2 possible choices: a morbid one, and an even morbid-der second.

Indeed I'm going to work harder than ever now, or perhaps play harder than ever now. Either way, I'm going to stop moping around, or at least, I hope to reduce moping around. And perhaps, just maybe, with luck and blessings, the next time you see Vincent Wong, he will no longer be an irritating bastard, but one who knows his own worth at last, and shows it.

Now, back to the Anime I've been waiting to load on YouTube...

Looking to the future~
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Its all Illusions

Do you believe in religion? Do you believe in a God?

That is what I asked Mark in GP some time ago, and before he could answer, I'd done the answering for him (I believe this is called "rhetoric", though in this case it isn't true rhetoric) by telling him, "Its all Illusions".

Yes, that is what I believe; that religion, that god, that divine beings, are all illusions, illusions of the human mind, illusions of our perceptions, illusions of our beliefs.

Oh no, now there are some people who are coming after me with machetes and the hangman's rope. Calm down. I am not saying that your God isn't real. To you, He (or She) is, and I'm perfectly amenable to that. I'm only saying that He (or She) is merely an illusion.

In fact, it doesn't stop at religions. Illusions are all around us, almost like how propaganda is all around us, almost like how oxygen is all around us. Illusions are all around us, they are a part of our lives. That essay you handed up last Monday? It was an illusion. An illusion of an essay. It wasn't real, it was just an illusion. Those hateful feelings you had towards that honour-roll guy? Yeah, its an illusion.

You didn't really hand up work, and you don't really hate that guy. Its all illusions.

I'm not really making sense here, am I? Well, that's the point, I'm not. Its all illusions.

Haha, enough beating around the bush. Time to get to the point of this pointless post: (Illusions, remember?)

I am of the opinion that human beings all live in a world of their own making. Despite the "globalisation" that has so many people making a fuss out of, every single human being really lives only in his or her own fantasy world. Everything that happens is his or her own making, of her own imagination. The key to understanding all these is this: Human perception. Everything about us is perceived in a different way by different people at different times. A leaf is hanging on a branch of a bush on the sidewalk, yielding to the small breeze, gently swaying. The first person to come over might, perhaps, look at it and smile, thinking how beautiful it was.

Hours later, in the golden rays of sunset, another person walking by it might believe it the ugliest thing in the world. It is still the same leaf, with no change in the time between. How can it be so different? Because of human perception, everything around us is different, depending on the imaginary world the said person lives in.

Perception is but one facet of the crystal of Illusions.

I think, deep down, we all know we're all just deceiving ourselves. Everything we see, everything we touch, everything we come across, process, or even ignore, everything is painted and coloured in the shades of our imagination, everything is an illusion, an illusion of our own making for ourselves. Differing perceptions is but one genre of these illusions. Another genre, which I've already touched on, is religion.

Have you ever wondered why there are so many different pantheons? So many different pantheons, yet so many parellels; so many different idealogies, all that says only their own is true? More importantly than logic, have you ever wondered why people can have such unerring, unwavering faith in their religion? Have you ever wondered at those who would rather fall on their knees and pray than do something practical about a problem? Why, the answer is obvious, isn't it? Because if you pray hard enough, and are strong in your faith, your God will help you, in small ways, in small gestures, subtly perhaps, immediately perhaps; whatever the result, there will be a result.

People's faith in their religions is deeply rooted within them, a personal, private, sacred bond of human to God. These 'true believers' would look at other religions, and be firm in their belief that those other religions are the pagan beliefs. They would have absolute and total conviction and confidence in their own faith.

Yet the anomaly remains, that there are such people in almost all the different religions.

I don't believe in miracles, neither do I believe in the existence of a divine being. I am a free thinker, and as some religions would say, a "faithless bastard". What do I believe in? No, I don't believe in myself. I believe in my imagination. I know, and have absolute confidence, that the illusions my mind spins will save me from whatever trouble I get into. And my "faith" is no less stronger, and no less potent, than any other faith or following on the face of this planet. Neither is it any stronger, or any more potent. My faith is on exactly equal terms as anybody elses' because it is all the same thing: Its all Illusions.

I'll give another example, from personal experience. I once knew this guy. At first look, he was all cutesy-poo and childish and nervous, at an age when he should have been graceful, strong, brave. (At least, that's how I envisioned myself being, and since we were the same age, I applied the same label to him) I took an immediate dislike to him. Everything about him was wrong. Everything about him was hateful and disgusting. From that high pitched laugh at a classmate's joke (boot-licker!!!!) to that nonsensical answer to the teacher's question. (act-cute!!!!!!)

I couldn't bear to speak with him. I smiled my thinly disguised grimaces, I gave him bored, stay-away-from-me looks, I acted cool, I acted above him, I acted like I was better, and to me, I indeed was better. But then, one day, I looked at how I was acting, and how everyone else could actually talk with him. I wondered about it. I decided to change my perceptions, or at least try to. I dropped my walls, and I talked to him, reining back my feelings about him as much as I could.

We're now both fast friends, and if not the best, at least we appreciate the small acts of kindness towards one another. Where once I saw only how he tried to prove himself (in childish manners) a worthy friend, now I saw his effort, his initiative, his fears of being left behind; fears all of us have. Where I once only saw his disgusting yearning to become friends, I now also saw the camaraderie that had formed, the informal you-help-me-i-help-you relationship we had. Where once I could barely talk to him about anything, dismissing all of his ideas, I am now able to see how his arguments could be correct, and we had more areas of discussion than we used to have. (Its kind of hard to have any less..)

In short, we went from ostracisation (me doing the ostracising) to friends, if not exactly close buddies. What happened to those "unbearable" and "disgusting" traits I couldn't stand? Did it all fly away and disappear like so much of smoke? Well, no; they were still there, but I can stand them now, that's all. How come it changed? Well, when I hated him, I blinded myself to his good points, and created an illusion of this skulking, smelly, detestable, insufferable creature. And now, I'm far more willing to close my eyes to those small pockets of rot that are still there, but only overshadowed by the good points I can see in him. Nothing in him truly changed, only my perception of him changed. My attitude of him changed. My feelings toward him changed.

My illusion of him changed.

Is Final Fantasy VII really that good a game? Well, it has its pros and cons, and fans are far more willing to believe the pros outweigh the cons, and the critics are far more willing to believe the cons outweigh the pros. Different people formed different illusions about the game, discarding some traits, making up others, in the end crafting an image as warped from the original as a plastacine under the hammer would become.

Objectivity is but an illusion. Humans can never be truly objective, not even to a limited degree, because everything we see is already an illusion we created. Logic? There is no logic, because we are making our so called "logical" conclusions from observations that are already illusory in nature.

Don't fret, though, we're not living in the Matrix. There is no Redpill or Bluepill or Purple or Yellow or Green or Gold pill. Truth is an illusion, but it exists all the same. The essay you passed up last monday is an illusion, but it still exists all the same. My love for my mother is an illusion, but it still exists nonetheless. We can never break free of this prison of our own making except in death, when the source of all these illusions break down: our brains. Our brains is the thing that creates these illusions, and only when it dies, when we die, will the illusions stop, and the perceptions stop, and the logic stop. There is no logic, no love, no perception in death. Death is just death. As the anti-thesis of life, it cannot be anymore final. There is nothing in death; not even illusions.

And of course, most of you already know what I'm about to say as my parting phrase. You can just imagine it already, can't you? Me, with a wry grin on my face, a twinkle of anticipation at your exasperation to come, with a wave, declaiming:

"Death is an Illusion."

Looking to the future~
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