Get Used To It!

I was walking home from the MRT, just arrived from Serangoon, 1 stop from my stop. I walked slowly, sluggishly. I was tired, too full for my own good, and more than alittle frustrated. My spirits took a definate downturn the moment I stepped out of the train. At least, during the last lap of my journey, I had Yvonne and Yi Cheng to be with me, to bouy my drowning mood.

But as I left Yvonne on the train, I fell back into depression. I thought back on myself, and I find myself far inferior to Yi Cheng. The sacrifices he made for us, his friends of only three months. The favors he did me, for simply being my friend. The inspiration he left in me. I felt guilty, I felt bad, not because he was nice enough to do those things. But because I wasn't.

Humans, aside from a rare few, are depraved creatures.

Depraved, disgusting, irritating, manipulative, arrogant, egoistical, unsensitive, inconsiderate, corrupt.

The list goes on.

I had a talk with Swee Wei today, during GP in the Hall. We weren't listening, of course. Why should we? We have aggregate scores slightly higher than the average student in NY Arts. Well, at least Swee did. But we were not listening, and discussing our own problems, which, of course, were much more important than paying attention to people who are the authority on GP. We were discussing politics, and _I_ was lamenting about the fact that politics and politicians represented the worst of humankind's depravity.

Ironic wasn't it?

I am, seriously, one of the most ego people on the face of this earth. But there I was, chatting, and condemning, politicians for their ego and arrogance.

But I digress.

I was walking, without much heart, toward the MRT exit. I was glancing about me. Peak hour, six-thirty crowd. I could hear wailing, I could hear children demanding, not asking, demanding things from their parents as if they deserved it. I could see humans balding, looking unpolished, being unpolished, acting like the place belonged to them. I could smell the sweat of others, reeking of unwashed clothes and strenous excercise.

And I knew, I was every bit as bad, or even worse, than all of them.

And that made me feel bad. As I walked, I muttered the mantra I have come to treat as my own personal philosophy.

Life sucks. Get used to it!

And so I tried. As I walked, I turned around to 'get used to it'. This was life. You cannot stop that poor man's balding right now. You cannot make them stop smelling of sweat at this moment. You cannot stop the child from demanding what he wants in such ungrateful a manner.

And that last thought snagged in my head.

I looked at the EZ-Link I had in my hand. Just three years ago, we were still using bus concession stamps and bus cards. Not technology this advanced. For those born without being exposed to those past 'inconvieniences', they would automatically assume EZ-Link technology to be a Right, not a Priviledge, the same way I had thought of the bus-card when I was young.

And one day, I might just be so 'used to' using the EZ-Link that I won't even bother to remember the bus-card.

Is this what's degenerating our race from bad to worse? From depraved to even more depraved? From snobbish to all-asuming? Is it technology's fault? I once read this somewhere:

"A sword in the hand of a Hero would champion the cause for Righteousness and Justice, dispel evil and ward against sin. The same sword in the hand of a bandit would cut the throats of innocents, commit crimes and break families. Would that be the fault of the creator of the sword, or its wielder?"

Is it the fault of Technology that humans, being short-sighted and narrow-minded as they are, would forget their humble beginnings and seek to rise above themselves with the advance of technology?

Is it the EZ-Link's fault that children of this newer generation would assume it is their right to have EZ-Link, and thus exacerbate the already rampant unfilialness and ungratefulness?

Is undesirable end-results the fault of the methods used to create it, or the flaw of the primary resources used to produce it?

Is the human being's innate desire to 'get used' to things the underlying cause for all our troubles?

Is my personal philosophy to play a part in creating a less bright future for humankind, or is it doomed from the outset?

I thought on this from the station to the bus, and then to my home.

As I took out the key from my pocket, I shook my head. I have not found the answer.

Life sucks... get used to it.

Looking to the future~
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Virtue or Sin? Vanity...

I was having my daily shower, as usual. Nothing bad was happening, no sudden lightning bolt struck me, and my shower didn't turn suddenly red with blood spurting from the showerhead.

But then, I looked down at myself, and I had this sudden thought.

"Oh god, look at me, I'm fat!"

And then I looked at my arms, and I went,

"Hmmm, well, I didn't see those last year."


And then I thought about what I said, and I had this philosophical argument with myself again.

Vanity, is it a virtue, or a sin?

Now, I'm not talking about vanity like girls going, "Oooh, I've got freckles... I'm ugly~!" Well, okay, so I am talking about that kind of vanity, but I'm also talking about other forms of vanity, and vanity as a whole. Both the positive, and negative, aspects of vanity. Does one side outweigh the other? Does it outweighing the other turn it into a virtue or sin? Or maybe it doesn't matter?

Well, first of all, we have the negative vanity, which most of us are intimate with, personally intimate with. For example, some girls going, "Ew, that dress looks so out of date, if I wear it, I'll be like an ugly duckling in front of my friends." or, "Maybe I shouldn't eat that much, all my other friends have such great figures." Boys? They'd be going, "Dammit. I have three freaking chins. Gotta do more workout, or I'll look like a chum beside that six pack body." or "My biceps are smaller than his. Better do some pushups or I'll look stupid when showing off our arms." Oh, and don't forget critical vanity, when you criticise others.

"Oooh, look at her, she's so fat. Yuck." "Man, look at those freckles on his face, like volcano eruption." "Oh come on, those clothes were so in, like, eighty years ago?" "Haha, he's got his pants pulled up to his stomach, can you believe that nerd?" "My homes' window panes are thinner than his glasses." "Is that a bug, or is that a big bug?"

Don't forget, jealousy.

"I bet you those *ahem* of hers are fake. Plastic, homemade, most likely." "Her skirt's so short, does she think she's sexy, oh, for goodness sake." "He's got big muscles alright. Great physique. I bet you he's all brawns and no brains." "He thinks sunglasses are cool? Well, I curse him to have it confiscated by the teachers." "So what if he's fit, he probably smells from all that working out."

And I haven't even run half the gamut yet. So, before we continue, what exactly is vanity? Consciousness, or over-consciousness as case may be, of the appearance or impact an item has on a person's image. So, is being vain good? So far, not good. But we haven't gone through the whole story yet right? There's negative vanity, there's also positive.

For example:

"Hey, she's got a veggie stuck in her teeth, better tell her before she goes to see her crush." "I've just finished working out, do I smell bad? Better put on some deordorant, let the class not be distracted." "I'd better tuck in my shirt, or I'd bring down the school's reputation." "I'd better urge him to go on a diet, or he might get heart problems later in life!" "Maybe wearing jeans isn't a good idea, it is my sister's wedding, afterall." "My performance is next week, better take good care of my skin, otherwise freckles will pop out. Can't let my instructor down..."

Now, it actually seems virtuous to be vain in those scenarios, don't it? But then, where do we draw the line? At which point would vanity cease to be a virtue, and degenerate into a sin? Must we ever be conscious of this distinction? Is being conscious of our degree of vanity being vain? Is that good or bad?

More importantly, was my thoughts in the shower a show of virtue, or a slip of sin?

^^ Have fun figuring it out, and don't forget to tell me your answers in my tagboard. Oh, and no flaming please, I've got an email (fully equiped with junkmail protections) for that.

Adieu

Looking to the future~
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Term 2, Week 1

There really isn't much to blog about.

Basically, everything's been going well, or at least, there's been no major foul-ups. Yet. I'm looking forward to the real starting of lessons; november/december holidays plus 1 whole term of playing is enough for me. Thats nearly half a year already. Besides, getting on with lessons means seeing friends again.

I'm looking forward to making new friends too. As they always say, the more the merrier.

Things will never be the same, I know. If it's better, well then, great! If its the same, its still great. If its worse... well, too bad. At least, I'd still have my old friends to hang around with, be it better, or worse.

I've realised that 'leadership' is just another figment of imagination in our deluded worlds. There is, in reality, no such thing as a 'good leader'. So long as the members think you are, you will appear to be, but if no one likes you, you're no better than the shit they step on. Well, I'm not talking about myself, okay. I'm egotistical, but not that egotistical.

Whatever.

Looking to the future~
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Orientation no. 2

It hasn't been fun at all today, that's if I'm very frank with myself. If, to judge by all the mistakes I made, not collecting the money well, forgetting about asking t-shirt size, forgetting about asking medical condition, forgetting to lead them in cheers, abandoning them to Wei Kian for ice-breakers, making them not enjoy 'The Hunt' as much as they should, not being as friendly and personable as I wanted to be, not bonding with them at all, forgetting half their names and many more uncountable things. (I wasn't even near half the day when I stopped listing the things I did badly.)

I did some things better than in O1... but not enough to justify my overall badness

I'm glad to say lotsa XMS pple comin' ta NY!

Well, none of them are actually my bestest best friends, and a couple I actually hate, but still, its good to see a couple of famliar faces. (Yes, and sometimes faeces too... but like I said, nevermind)

Talking about posting, I have this feeling inside me which urges me to go to Buona Vista Drive and punch the lights outta every freaking old man sitting behind their mouldering tables there. The posting this year, frankly, totally suks. I have this gut feeling that they only match the people to their first few choices, and then, if can't get in, just throw them to the jcs no one wants.

That kind of hypocrisy I can't stand. Yes, I'm a hypocrite too, I know, but no, I can't stand it in a freaking government agency. If they can't make the effort to give everyone literally an equal chance at the choices everyone wants, then they should just take all their self-righteous, good-for-nothing crap about meritocracy and stick it up their smelly, slimy, sweaty assholes.

Yes, and they can go piss up a rope too.

I don't give no shit about them claiming its fair. I tell you something right now. I lie and cheat my parents, and I always claim I don't. I can make excuses, say its for a good cause, a white lie, but the fact that I ever lied before brands me forever. The same should go for them.

I shouldn't be saying such negative things in my blog, but frankly, I don't give no shit. Yes, that was a double negative you saw me type, and yes, that was pathetic english. But I don't give no shit.

PAP, go to hell.

On a lightier note, I found out flying a kite, (literally, not the jumping off the building meaning) is pretty damned fun. Won't go into much detail. No need.

Sighh~ Time to go call my OG. Ahh, the troubles of being an OGL...

Sayonara.

Looking to the future~
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Nope, not a blue monday!

Yesh, that's right. I actually enjoyed my monday. Nope, I usually don't. Yes, it means that its been a great day.

O_o'' First time for me eh?

What else could make me happier than hanging around my friends? Of course, of all my friends, I've only hung round with part of them. But yeah, those in 05A1 has become quite my maties. Like in XMS, I'm beginning to enjoy myself, as in deep in my heart, with them. Ah well, one could say that's naivete, idealism, and that friendship, like everything else in this god-forsaken world, doesn't last. But while I might entertain such thoughts at despondent times of my life, today's not one of those times.

In the way of most adolescents, we wasted time while being together, and in the way of most singaporean adolescents, we wasted money too. But well, I guess wasting money with friends is just as bad as going to shovel down a Double McSpicy burger.

Super Size Me!

Yes, its the first movie that I actually ENJOYED! O_O

Nope, that means I've never enjoyed a single movie I've watched in my life so far, but yeah, I'm wierd.

Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, I've yet to ride out the "high" I'm still on. I dunno, maybe my friends slipped in a packet of heroin into my drinks or something, but I've been quite euphoric.

Oh yes, I can feel the onset of unhappy thoughts at the back of my brain, fighting the happiness in front. Well, from countless bitter experiences, I know those thoughts will win out sooner or later, sooner if my sis comes home now, which is around the time she usually does. Later if I am able to ignore her, which is impossible.

But before those morbid thoughts set in, (along with all the sinful, guilty remonstrances to the wasting of my money) I'm going to end this entry on a happy note. I still miss those who didn't come on the outing today, but yeah, otherwise, its been perfect. Anyway, I'm going to cherish this monday. 'Cuz I know the next few ones are going to be crap.

Adios Amigos, baby!

Looking to the future~
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A Fun Day

It has been a great day at sentosa. In hindsight, we did absolutely nothing worth mentioning, except for maybe the kayaking part, the rest was simply being in each other's presence and talking, savouring that moment of being together. I won't go into much detail, since there really is not much detail to go into about. Its just been great being together.

Another piece of memory to walk with me to the end of my days.

Beaches have always held a certain significance for me. I guess that's partly because I've never had much of a habit going to beaches. The few times that I did, I can remember having fun. Secondly, though I've never been religious, my closest experience to any sort of "higher being" was closely related to beaches. Its the "feeling" I guess. Nevermind if you don't understand... I don't understand it myself either. Those things I've read about footsteps in the sand... friendships and everything... well, I won't be in a hurry to forget yesterday's trip.

I can't say honestly I've been a great friend, an indispensable friend. I ask myself, would my friends' lives be any duller, any worse for my absence? And I cannot say yes. I ask myself, is my presence with them what makes their day, is my presence with them a significant part of their memories? And I cannot say yes. All I can say, I have been someone they know, someone they feel towards, yet, not someone who's made much impact.

I certainly hope I've not made our times together worse, for my presence.

I've gotta go now. Done with my reflection for the day, I guess. Seeya'll soon!

Looking to the future~
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Monday Blues

Yes, its Monday again. Today has been fun, sort of. The OGL workshop was basically trying out everything the real Orientation would be going through... all the games in the sun, all the running about, all the cheering. Oh sure, there were the "personality talks" and "discipline talks" etc etc. But I can't shake the feeling that the OGLs (or OGL wannabes) were used as guinea pigs. Well, life's like that.

I've, again, not acheived anything of merit today. I didn't even read at all!! I did get to refresh my memory of the mass dances though... Why am I still talking about the OGL workshop...

Today's been one of the more blue-er mondays these few months. I've had fun, but I've this feeling inside of me, that tells me I'm missing out on something. Its only when I met up with those in my CT who are also in the OGL workshop that I realise the feeling springs from being away from Umoja. Its been 3 days, and I'm missing the life I've held to for three months.

Well, as Mr. Ho said, "The only constant in this ever-changing world is change." Change would overtake our lives soon enough. Nothing will ever be the same, no matter how much you wish it to be, no matter how much you think it would stay the same. No matter what you do to slow it down, or run from it, change will ever be snapping at your heels like a pack of hell hounds. Its not been a pathetic day, of course, but its not been a good day.

Auf Wiederzehn.

Looking to the future~
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Sunny Sunday

What a day it has been. Its only half over and I'm quite bushed. Its my cousin's wedding, again! Well, again because only last year, my other cousin had his wedding. So far, this Sunday is staying sunny, and that's good.

Its obvious that I'm not going to be able to sit down and do any of the things I want to today. No serious reading, no serious writing, no serious studying. 'Cuz there's the dinner at the restaurant later. Which also means I've gotta do all my online stuff now, as the next time I can log on is tomorrow night. (Stupid OGL training.)

As always, whenever I am within 3 metres of my sister, there's this electric tension between us. And I had to endure sitting in the same taxi as her. Ah well, at least my mom was between us, and I could hide out with the Xbox at my cousin's house. And I'm kinda proud of myself that I didn't hit her at all today. In fact, I managed to do what I usually do, ignore her, despite the fact that she was being alittle more than abrasive today. Probably PMS. Well, its none of my business anyway.

So yeah, put that all together, and throw in the fact that I actually ate breakfast today, its been a so-far-so-good day.

Hope it lasts.

As-ta-lavista, baby.

Looking to the future~
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Ano hito wa kawaii desu...

A day has passed, without incident, without progress. What have I done today, I ask myself. The answer both saddens and discourages me. I've done nothing to merit worth at all.

I look at my achievements today. I realise I've learnt a new thing. Ano hito wa kawaii desu; that person is cute. I look at this blog, and I realise I've created something. I look some more, yet I find nothing else of import that I have achieved.

I've slept today, for more hours than I care to think. Is this what my holidays would be like? Sleeping and doing nothing? Stoning at home? I hope not. But the way things stand, it don't look too promising.

Oh yes, I can do plenty. I can write, I certainly have the time. I can read, I can go to the library. I can help out with housework. I can clean my room. I could have done all that, and more today. But I didn't. I was lazy. Ahh, how I wish I'd not wasted so much time... but regrets are useless. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow might be a better day.

Looking to the future~
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Oh for goodness sake.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should be thrown into a garbage unit and left there to rot. I wake up early in the morning, and when I find myself with nothing to do, I resort to making a new blog. For goodness sake.

I have no doubts I'll regret this sooner or later. I have no doubts I'll abandon this blog sooner or later. I have no doubts my life will take a turn for the worse.

Well, life sucks.

Such morbid thoughts on a saturday afternoon.

Looking to the future~
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