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Name: Vincent Wong
Alias: Runearay
Age: 18

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Card Captor Sakura - Arigatou; by Tange Sakura

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"You have conquered your Past, you now hold sway over the Present... what will you do with the Future?" -Davien the Betrayer


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Saturday, June 25, 2005
|9:33 AM|


Ego-poke

I'm way behind on my medicine. Its far overdue for an ego poke. Well, from here on, it'll be all the nitty gritty details of my mediocre-ness and reflections of my ass-arrogant actions. If you skip it, I won't blame you. 'Sides, I'd prefer you skipped it. There are some things in here you shouldn't know anyway, and yeah, that message was for all my friends, past and present.

Chapter 1:

Let's start from today. I just woke up, and.

Wait, I didn't just wake up. I woke up long ago. I just didn't want to admit it. I woke up around 7. My mom was calling me, reminding me of my promise to her last night that I would go with my parents to the wet market for breakfast. My brain was perfectly conscious, with just the comfortable need to snuggle in just alittle longer.

I pushed her away, faked moaning and groaning, and thrashed when she got too close to unmasking me.

She left, again.

Yes, it wasn't the first time I've held her up for a morning breakfast promise. Its not that I do not like to go there anymore. Its just because I'm too lazy. I'm not avoiding the breakfast because its not nice, or that I would sulk because of sleep cut short (I would) but rather, because I was too lazy to do anything else other than throw her invitation back in her face.

Disgusting shit eh?

Well, that's not the end of it.

My parents came back a couple of hours later, just after I finally deigned to drag my big, fat, sorry ass outta the bed. During the breakfast they bought back for me, I listened to them work.

You remember the entry I wrote some time ago about Truth and Lies of the commercial world? Well, I heard my father telling my mother off that she got conned by the vegetable stall man while peeling prawns. Her retorting banters as she unpacked the vegetables were without the usual acidity that marked it was a serious argument.

Conclusion? My parents were not as stupid as I made them out to be in that entry.

I had the nerve, I had the audacity, to look at these two people, with near 35 more years of experience than me, and expect them to be less knowledgeable than me. Oh sure, they can't do trigo sums, they can't write GP essays, they can't argue history points. But what the fuck, I dared to doubt their street-smartness? I dared to doubt their practicality? I dared to doubt their world experience?

Just because I had reasoned out how the commercial world went about cheating others didn't mean I could act all high and mighty and treat my mother to a lecture at the dinner table. Plueh.

As always, when I look back now, those actions, which had seemed so perfectly right and normal, were disgusting and pathetic attempts at getting attention of a love-starved, egotistical, good-for-nothing, foolish twit with peas for brains. My reaction was "impossible to be me", but as usual, a closer look proved that wrong. It was all too possible. I'd grown arrogant these past two months, shot my mouth off more times than I care to count, and acting like a fucked up brat enough times that I wonder why my friends don't abandon me.

Chapter 2:

Yes, there's a chapter two. And it is still on my parents. Yesterday, actually. I got home from the exams, during the way which I loitered with them, presumably to do homework. Well, they did do some, while I just slacked there, glad to be with them, and doing anything but work.

When I got home, I wasn't in a good mood. I never was. I think my brain thought that being a troubled teen when I reach home was something that was "cool". I mean, sling bag over my shoulder, a slight frown marring my features, my eyes cold and far away, my hands twitching as if itching for a fight. Cool image eh? Well, super-impose my face over that image.

There now, vommit it all out. You'd feel better.

Yes, I was acting cool, and being a total twit. I got home, not in a good mood, and went straight to my room to switch on my computer. I mean, hey, I just got back from an exam, from slacking, and a mere two days from my main exams, I go straight to my computer the moment I got home.

Wow.

Doesn't take a genius to know that any normal parents would come in to scold. Well, mine didn't. Not because they didn't care, but because I never told them. Well, they never asked.

Anyway, I found out my internet wasn't working so well. I checked out the modem connection, and my father walked in at that moment to tell me there was some problem (duh!) and he was fixing it.

So I went back and waited. After a few disconnections and reconnections, I blew up, muttering expletives at no one in particular and walking around with the "I feel angry, come near and I'll fuck you up." attitude. Any normal parent would take to the cane to shut that brat up until the problem was fixed in peace. My father didn't. He tried to placate me by working harder, trying different wiring connections, and when his actions came to fruit, I unceremoniously went to my room to resume my interrupted internet session without a word of thanks.

Oh yes, when I did those things, I did think about what I was doing. It was justified that I was angry, afterall. No one likes getting their connection skewed. No one likes having to wait. Espeacially not an adolescent. I looked at the situation, and acted accordingly. My logic was flawless. Except that I didn't equate my father's feelings into that logic. I didn't equate the justification of my actions together with the effects they would have on my father to that logic. I only thought of myself, and I acted accordingly. Like a selfish bastard.

I thought I was cool. I was nothing more than a brat, acting up against his elders. I was nothing more than a child, desperate for attention, and going about getting it in the worst ways possible. I was acting like a "Marcus" or a "Wei Kian".

No offense to those names over there, but yeah.

Its not enough. Two chapters of ego poking are not enough. But I fear the more I put up here, the less friends I will find myself with. Argh, get outta my sight, vincent.


Looking to the future~
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
|7:56 PM|


Emotions; what a burden

People always say, one should be glad to be human. To be able to feel like a human. And I do not mean your sensory perception of "touch", but rather, the gamut of emotions, ranging from anger to sorrow, from ecstacy to lust.

Emotions, they say, are the greatest things humans possess.

But have you ever had one of those days, when you wake up, and you feel, any emotion at all, just feel an emotion, and wished you couldn't?

Have you ever felt un-utterable sorrow, so much so to the point that your heart literally hurts? Have you ever felt the pain of loss so keenly that the slice of a kotetsu (sumurai like blade: very sharp) across your neck would be welcome, a merciful end to a torturous existence? Have you ever felt anger on such a scale you would kill anyone and everyone, even those whom you thought you loved most?

Have you ever felt the seductive pull of suicide, the answer to all your pain, all your sorrow, all your anger? The desire to jump from the topmost floor of my HDB have never been so strong.

I have never been so bored in my life.

Well, okay, seriously, I'm not suicidal at the moment. But the boredom is driving me up the wall. Quite literally, I've tried climbing the walls like Spiderman. And yes, in case you were wondering, I'm quite nearly fucking looped in the head.

Anyways, that is beside the point. My point is, emotions are more trouble than they are worth.

You've felt happiness before. When you're with your friends. When its your birthday. When you hear a joke. When you're being tickled. (Well that last one... could be irritation you were feeling... but again, I digress) You've laughed, the reflexive reaction to the bubbly, soaring, floating, blissful heat in your chest. You've smiled, grinned uncontrollably as you look at your friends beside you. As you stare at a toddler clap his hands in glee about a new toy in front of him. (No, Hardcorers, I'm not talking about evon.)

You've felt anger before. It is when you feel this heat at your chest, similiar to happiness, but burning instead, burning hot and uncontrollable, like a forest fire spreading faster than you can control. You've frowned without intention, glared and glowered, clenched your fists, mouthed (or sometimes shouted) epithets. Gritted your teeth so hard you could hear them crack. Resort to physical violence, sometimes slamming a fist into the wall, sometimes into the offender's jaw, to alleviate this feeling.

And then you've felt satisfaction. When you've finished a meal, a meal you like. Not only finished it, gorged yourself on it. Shoveled food into your mouth so fast it was a wonder you didn't choke. Then you lie back on your chair, pat your now engorged tummy and gave a loaded, sated sigh. You've felt satisfaction after hearing a person's jaw crack with the force of your knuckles beneath it. The impact of the punch, jolting a reaction force back up your hand, your arm, your elbow, your shoulder. The pain never felt so good.

And yet still, you've felt (I couldn't resist) boredom. Sitting in front of your computer, staring at it, staring and staring, waiting for something, anything to appear, so that you can click it. Not for any discernible reason, just click it, for the sake of clicking it. To do something except sit there. Lying on your bed, willing your body to move, just so that you're doing something other than lying there, but knowing at the same time, no matter what you do, you can never acheive satisfaction. Trapped, without anything to do, but unable to do anything about it.

All these, and more, are what defines us as humans. All these, and more, are what makes up our "humanity". All these, and more, are the greatest blessing of our existence.

How pathetic.

Feelings encumber us. Feelings make us hesitate. Feelings delay our decisions. Feelings make us reckless. And yet, these feelings, these emotions, its what makes us human? Its the greatest blessing of our miserable existence?

How pathetic.

I say, emotions are a burden! A burden we can all do without! A burden we must be willing to let go of to improve, to progress. A burden to be destroyed if we are to become more than knuckle-dragging, salivating, mindless, shambling baboons.

What do you say?

What? That I'm wrong?

Well, what can I say, humans. Pathetic creatures, willing to give up progress and improvement for a mere security blanket that, in reality, offers nothing more than the illusion of stability.

Well, then again, maybe it is not the fault of the individual. Maybe it is not the case that we are not willing to give up emotions, but rather that we cannot.

Humans, pathetic creatures that we are, are unable to break away from the things we have. Just because we were born with emotions, we are unable to shut it down. We can harp on it all we want, but when a mass murderer slams an axe into the chest of your father, you will not be able to stand there and stare, unfeelingly, at the death of your closest family member. When a car speeding at 120 km/h slams into and flings a friend of yours fifty feet away, you will be unable to stand there and watch.

When news of more homework reaches your ears, you will be unable to hold your tongue, access it as it is: a mere piece of homework, and must instead launch into a chorus of groans and moans with other equally mindless friends sitting around you.

Try it yourself. When something happens that warrants a laugh, a giggle, a gasp, try to keep a straight face, banish the emotions coursing through your body and access it as it is.

You cannot.

Like a drug, like a narcotic, emotions are addicitive. Once we've felt ecstacy, happiness, we refuse to give up a chance to feel it again. Despite the fact that doing so might cause inconvienience and danger to others. Most times, standing there and laughing might me harmless. But what if, right behind you, is a person who just had a nasty accident, and must rush to the hospital? And yet, you stand there laughing at an impromptu joke, and delay the person's precious time, causing complications and even death.

Oh yes, emotions can be as lethal as drugs.

"Such a thing would never happen to me," you deny vehemently.

I give you a skeptical look and quote one of my favourite oxymorons, "Never say never."

How many of you think you would be raped?

How many of rape victims thought they would be raped?

How many people live life normally, and then BAM! A speeding car running a traffic light crashes into their car? How many of them said, "This would happen to me, I'd better be careful."

How many of them thought, "This would never happen, not to me, at least."

Face it. Emotions are dangerous. No matter how minute the chances of feeling would cause another person's death, there is still that chance. While you might feel it would never happen in your lifetime, face the fact that it could happen.

And when it does, it will be too late.

Emotions are a burden we do without, not only to increase efficiency, but also to save lives.


Looking to the future~
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Thursday, June 09, 2005
|10:20 AM|


Updated after yet another undeclared, ultra long hiatus. And I've finally added Labbit into my links too. Sorry for delay. Anyway, I should stop this administrative nonsense. Let's jump into today's long awaited episode of...

Virtue or Sin: Hate Part II

Where did we leave off?Ah yes, I'd only just finished defining what I meant by "Love" and "Hate", and I was going to explain why I said that Love and Hate are actually the same concepts, and not, in fact, the opposite ends of the spectrum. Now, for a recap.

What is Love? Love is the act of selflessly sacrificing everything of oneself, to chain oneself to the person he loves, to unconditionally, and silently give up everything he or she possesses to furthur the career or life of that said someone.

And Hate? Hate is the act of selfishly taking from someone everything you can, with no intention of returning even one whit of what you took, whether intentionally or not.

To the average human, to most people, (to even me) that sounds like a description of two entities that are at the very opposite ends of a huge spectrum. That feels like the conventional explanation for Love and Hate. But I've since found out that "conventional" usually means to be left in the wake of everyone else's dust. And going along that train of thought, I've concluded that Love and Hate are the same things.

How so?

Unbeknownst to many, the fairytale of a "Love-Hate relationship" is far more closer to the truth than any of us could come. We've all heard of such a thing, where the two protagonists start out to be nemesis and "hate" each other. (Note the "hate", I'm not using it in the context of my definitions) Then, later, what we term as "time" passes, and the two said persons come to realise they "love" each other instead. (Note the "love" again.) They come to see that one can no longer live without the other, and that seperation would mean pain unbearable. And so they up and gets married, and lives happily ever after.

Does such a scenario really exist? More importantly, what is its significance to my argument?

I'll answer both at one time: There is no such thing as a "Love-Hate relationship".

Based on my definitions of "Love" and "Hate", there cannot be both at the same time... can there? And if such a thing as "Love-Hate" does not exist, then it means that Love and Hate are not entities that exist in the sense of the world.

Unlike "Light" which is as intangible as "Love", Light is an entity that exists. But the concepts of "Love" and "Hate"... they are exactly that. Concepts. Nothing more. They exist in the world only as much as Peter Pan or Satan or Jesus or Heaven or Hell or Angels or Demons does.

They exist only in those who believe they do.

Such concepts have always been troubling theologists. If Jesus exists in the Bishops or Priests, then what about the pagans? Jesus doesn't exist for them. Then... comes the question of does Jesus exist or not?

Does Love really exist? The answer is no, it is merely another comfort zone humans create for themselves. God is a concept that humans made up, a concept that explains our existence. A concept that assures us of our place in the world. If God doesn't exist.. the it could well mean that humans exist only because they do. That we have no purpose in our existence, except that we do exist.

For some people, that concept is unbearable.

Love and Hate are similiar to that. We strive to explain why we are giving up our lives to bring up our young. It is an explanation we give ourselves as to why we are giving up better suitors for this guy or that girl to be our mate for life. It is an explanation of why we can never get a civil word across to another person. It is an explanation of why, when our parents give up everything they have for us, we still take everything they give and return nothing.

If the concept of Love and Hate doesn't exist, then disturbing questions pop up: Why am I giving up this job for my wife? Why am I not going to furthur my studies in Australia just because my mom is dying? Why do I have to work in the first place, to feed my children? For what? Why am I not just going to steal? Why am I observing proprieties for that stall holder, I should just take what I want.

With the concepts of Love and Hate, the answer comes easily: Because I love my children, I don't want them to suffer. Because I love my wife, I want to make her happy. Because I hate theives, that's why I don't steal. Because I love my mother, that's why I'm giving up the chance to furthur my education, just stay with her in her final moments.

Thus, if you look at people to people relationships, if you dig far enough, if you think about it long enough, you'll be able to find "Love-Hate" relationships at the root of everything.

Wait, didn't I say "Love-Hate relationships" don't exist? Well, they don't. Remember what I concluded about "Love" and "Hate"? They do not exist in the sense of the world. If they don't exist, a Love-Hate relationship cannot exist either. But since "Love" and "Hate" are just concepts, then, a "Love-Hate relationship" can be a concept as well.

In actual fact, the only way the concepts of "Love" and "Hate" can be explained is in the form of "Love-Hate" relationships. The two are inseperable. At the root of every love, at the root of every hate, there is a love-hate.

Love and Hate cannot be explained individually simply because they are not individual entites.(they are not even entites, remember?) Love and Hate are as interlinked as Light and Shadow, only that the latter DOES exist, and the former doesn't. You cannot be loved without hating that someone. You cannot hate someone without loving him. Use my definitions, then look at these two statements again. You will find it is true:

When someone gives everything he/she owns for you, you're taking everything he gives you, and not returning anything. Is that person not "loving" you, and you not "hating" him?

Try it on relationships all around you. Look at your father and mother. Look at your uncle and aunty. Look at your friends. Then, when you think you are ready, look at yourself. You will find it is so true you will shy from the truth. Ah, and what is truth anyway... (nevermind about truth. I've already said it before.)

Finally, after all these mind-numbing arguments, the final question, the one that has been voiced in the first place. Virtue or Sin?

Hate, is it a virtue or a sin? Is it right to hate someone? Should we forgive everyone who has ever done us injustice, or should we hold a grudge? Is doing that a virtue, that of upholding justice, or a sin, that of selfish need to feel important? Since "love" and "hate" are inseperable, then let us examine with this with love as well.

Is it a virtue or a sin? Is it right to love someone? Should we reject everyone's need for love, or should we love everyone we meet? Is doing that a virtue, of a compassionate heart, or a sin, of a needless sacrifice?

As usual, I will not answer the question. Afterall, as a free thinker, I avoid such theological absolutes. As Obi-Wan Kenobi is so fond of saying, "Only the Sith deal in absolutes".

Anyway, thank you for waiting so long, and listening to my awfully stupid and irrational explanations. I'm a free thinker, so I will not force the reality that "Love" and "Hate" doesn't exist on anyone. (Just the same way I do not expect to be forced into a religion)

I'd love to stay and talk more, but... some other time, I guess.

Arigatou, and sayonara.


Looking to the future~
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