Virtue or Sin: Apathy

"Do you know that drinking green tea will lower your sperm count?"

I stared at Melissa, right hand gripping the Pokka Green Tea bottle, left hand on the canteen table, sitting in a poser-ish fashion. Then I slowly raised the bottle to my lips and continued to drink.

"I'm very concerned."

I continued to stare at her, then I lowered the bottle and arched my right brow.

Apathy. Is it a virtue, or a sin? Before we begin, I would like to apologise to anyone who thought that, because of the previous post, I'd only be posting once a month. I'll say here, now, that my "period" where I menstruate my troubles will be as and when I like. I'm not a girl, so I have no "monthly" restriction.

ap·a·thy (p-th)n.

1) Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2) Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

Thanks, again, dictionary.com. So, now that we know what's apathy, we must next ask ourselves, why. Why does apathy exist? Perhaps, if we can puzzle out the reason for apathy, we can make a judgement on whether being apathetic is a sin or a show of virtue.

However, there is no free lunch in this world. So, as you can imagine, our task isn't quite as easy as I have said. The reasons people are apathetic to the world around themselves in general is diverse. It runs the gamut from "Being apathetic is COOL man!" to "I... don't care."

So, how can we qualify "Apathy", if we cannot even have a standard of reasons why it exists in the first place? In this case, we simply have to speculate.

Now, I think people are apathetic for several reasons. A lack of interest because, in general, the said subject doesn't concern the person at all. So this guy who you knew for ten years and is amongst your best friends is going to jump from the top of that building. An average person will start weeping and begging and saying "OMFG, you're KIDDING, right?"

An apathetic person will probably shrug and say, "I... don't care." The reason because the death of the said person, friend though he might be, will not have a direct impact on the life of our subject. If your friend dies, what will impact on you? You'll grieve, you'll feel sad, you'll cry, you'll also, after a period of time, get on with your life. An apathetic person sees all these, and goes straight to the end point. He gets on with his life. It doesn't have a direct impact on him, so he doesn't care.

A lack of interest because there is no real impact on the person. A good reason to be apathetic? Perhaps.

What about those people who are apathetic to himself even? This maniac comes over and slashes the apathetic guy. He stares at the wound, takes a tissue, applies direct pressure, and goes on with whatever he's doing. Why? If it were you, you'll probably go like, "OMFG, I've been GODDAMNED SLASHED!!! ARRGH!~!" Well, perhaps the apathetic guy realises, at some deep, subconscious level, that there is NOTHING he can do about it. So, he's been slashed. Its a manic. Can the slash be un-made? Can the maniac disappear into thin air? Even if all that were possible... could the person who make all those miracles happen be the slashed-apathetic guy? Why, of course not. He's no mage. How can he un-slash a cut, how can he un-ravel the madness in the maniac?

Since he can do nothing... is there any reason to be concerned with the situation?

A lack of interest because there's nothing to do about it. A good reason to be apathetic? Perhaps.

So, what about our more contemporary apathetic people? What's the reason Bob doesn't give a shit if Jeeva would die the next day? What's the reason Jeeva won't give a shit if Bob doesn't take his re-retest? What's the reason why Swee Wei won't care if I kicked myself in the ass?

What's the reason I always look so sian on CCA duties?

"Why are you always so sian?"

I stared at Sebastian with a deadpan look. I can visualize myself, eyes half-lidded, face stony, a hint of a grimace. I shrugged, "am I?"

Why why why?

Perhaps its because I have no one in the same class as me in the CCA. Perhaps so. Afterall, since Xin Hui is in redcross, and only during rc meetings am I less apathetic, that theory has some hard proof. Furthermore, other examples prove me right. I look at Shu Ting playing her guzheng, her class mate a couple of seats away; I look at Ying Hui, passing netballs, her class mate as her partner; I look at Swee Wei, mulling over council stuff with Nadz; I look at Bob and Yuan Long, walking to the Drama Club room to paint; I look at Faith and Sylvia, laughing and joking. And then I look at myself. Entering LT 4 all alone, greeting my colleagues with a wan smile, colleagues that are all in the science stream. I look at myself, walking into room 4-33, smiling reservedly, arching brows, acting dao.

Is it really all because I have no one in my class in the same CCA as me?

No, actually, if you think about it, no. That's not the reason for my apathy. Eunice doesn't have a classmate in Red Cross. Yvonne doesn't have a classmate in Red Cross. Hui Ming doesn't have a classmate in D&J. Jia Sheng doesn't have a classmate in AVA. Ying Hui doesn't have a classmate in Red Cross. Chun Zheng doesn't have a classmate in Council. Yi Cheng doesn't have classmates in Red Cross. Besides which, Xin Hui and I hardly talk during Red Cross, if ever, only to irritate her. And yet, at the same time, they are all so empathetic to everyone else during CCAs. So no, being the only one in my class in the CCA is not the reason for my apathy.

So, if it isn't other people's fault, then perhaps its my own fault? Yes, that's probably it. I mean, if others can go through CCA without classmates beside them every step of the way and still be happy and all, its probably my own fault I can't, isn't it? No matter the reason, whether be it I didn't try hard enough, or my best efforts were pathetic, its still my fault, no?

Well, I could say that, but wouldn't it be alittle too harsh on myself? Wouldn't it be alittle irrational to blame myself and only myself for everything? On the other-hand, isn't blame-assigning, even to oneself, an undesirable action? Afterall, if I went around assigning blame for everything that happens to myself, I'll probably be the one jumping off that building for the sheer weight of the guilt.

Also, its alittle cowardly. I mean, its not easy to say that oneself is the one at fault, but its still easier than facing up to the truth. I mean, its so much easier to say, "OMG, that guy stumbled as he ran by me. ITS ALL MY FAULT. I SHOULD DIE!" and then take out a couple of cutters and slash my wrists. End of story. So easy, isn't it? It certainly is easier than searching for the truth. Why, the "search for truth" by its very nature, is an excercise in futility. By the fact that "Truth" is perceived, and therefore not "True" at all, any "search for truth" will be doomed to failure. It'll be so much easier to end everything with a simple, "Its all my fault."

So then, what is the reason for my apathy? I have come so far, yet not come up with an answer. Another possibility occurs to me. Perhaps, for me, its a defense mechanism? For Lear, he sought refuge in madness rather than face his own tragic flaw, and perhaps, for me, its my only way, my naive way, of hiding from the realities of this world.

"I'm changing"

I stared at the computer screen, my fingers frozen for a moment. Inside me, I am laughing. "Shannen! You baka. Everyone changes. Stop being so naive and grow up!" Inside me, I am sighing. "Its happening again. A self-realized change is one that is not reversible. Shannen is changing."

I continue to read.

"I think I'm no longer as cheerful as before."

I stared at the computer screen. Inside me, I am laughing. "Shannen! How stupid! How naive! Happiness? Whoever gets true happiness in this world? What a laughable joke!" Inside me, I am weeping. "I remember a year ago, when we first met, during one of our first study sessions in Shu Ting's house. I remember that mega-watt, shy smile. Is it gone forever now?"

Which should I choose? The apathetic me? The one that scorns at Shannen's fears of her changing self? Or the me that will weep with her, grieve with her? If I choose the former... where is my sensitivity? Where is my humanity? If I choose the latter... how much more of such changes can I withstand before my nerves break down from the constant barrage of pain and grief?

I searched the web for a suitable poem. I browsed the shops for a suitable present. 2 weeks I devoted into this task. 2 weeks to the culmination of over a year's silence. When the time came, when I slipped the CD with the poem within into her bag, and with the reply a flat no, what should I do? Should I shrug it off? Where would my sincerity be? Should I cry and cry, for the loss of a love I never owned? Now, years later, the same has happened in a different mask, in a different way. What shall my response be again?

How shall I shield myself from the harsh realities of this world? By drowning in beer and alcohol? By finding distractions forever? Or by being apathetic?

Apathy. Is it really a sin?

"What shall poor Cordelia speak? Love, and be silent.."

Looking to the future~
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Silence is Golden

Its time for my period again. Yes, I'm menstruating. Every month, I come online and menstruate all my fucking woes in this blog. Yar, I'm unhappy.

Oh why? Because I'm addicted to unhappiness. Don't you just love to hate? Don't you just can't get enough of sadness? Don't you just get a high everytime you feel hated? I do. I love being sad. I love hating someone. I love being hated. I fantasize about it. I have wet dreams about it. I like it.

Yeah, I'm one fucked up bastard.

I think I've said the previous line alot of times in my life already.

But you know what?

You know what's even lovelier than feeling sad and fucked up and pissed and downtrodden? Its keeping quiet about it. You just zip up and stew. Stew stew stew. Lovely feeling. You can feel the burning in your chest, it spreads, slowly, like a tumour, a corruption, a gangrene, spreading inexorably, inevitably through your body, rotting everything it touches, warping everything it moves by, destroying everything it makes contact with.

Yes, Silence is Golden.

You know what will make this an "emo" post? By me ending it right now. But noooooooo!

I won't.

Because I'm an egotistical bastard and I must always act as though I'm a professional philosopher and spew out junk by the truckloads in order to look amusing and make readers crack laughs that create tumours in their genitals. I won't make this a simple "emo" post, I'll come up with some cock and bull rationale about why "Silence is Golden" and act as though I've just done humanity a favour and enlightened all the stupid fucking apes dragging knuckles around me.

Gods, I love cliches.

Silence is Golden. Its not literal, of course. Silence (in this case, "silence" refers to "keeping silent".) is a verb, not an object, so to describe it, you cannot use an adjective, you must use an adverb. Golden is an adjective, and thus, is grammatically wrong in this instance. So, if this idiom cannot be interpretated literally, what's the angle to look at it from?

What does it mean when you say, "Silence is Golden"?

Well, "gold" is very precious to humans. It is one of the softest metals on the face of this earth, useless for anything practical. A stout, wooden staff can probably snap a golden sword. Gold is, however, used as an immutable anchor of monetary value. In the past, gold is used AS money. Gold IS the measure of your wealth. Therefore, gold is precious.

So if we say "Silence" is "Golden", we are saying that "Silence" is precious. We are saying it is rare that people are silent, and in those rare times when they are, it is something to be cherished and hoarded. I agree totally. Silence is golden. We have too many people talking in this world. Birds chirp all day long. Can't they shut the fuck up? Dogs bark like there's no tomorrow. Can't they shut the fuck up? Humans yap about everything under the sun. Can't they shut the fuck up?

What's so goddamned interesting about who that girl seduced? What's so fucking amusing about how many guys she can take in at a go? Is it something to be proud of, that a member of the same race of you is a slut, a bitch and whatever insults you want to call her? What's so hellishly important about your problems? Is it so important that other people know you lost your warcraft three cd? Hey, sorry Swee, but its true. You bitch alot.

Well, I bitch alot too. I know. I mean, I bitch about my importance all the time. I mean, so what if I lost the CD-key to my game? Big deal! So what if I have some tips about this new hero on DotA? Big deal. So what if I fell asleep doing econs? Big deal.

You see, humans just cannot shut the fuck up. That's the point I'm trying to make. Therefore, Silence IS rare.

So why is Silence precious? Why should we hoard silence whenever it appears? What is so important, so signficant about this rare commodity?

Well, Silence is an action that has so many repercussions. A person keeping silent can create an effect that is far greater than 10 people screaming, shouting and stomping. Who do you think is more effective in keeping the peace in a class? A teacher who comes in and goes, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS BASTARDS!" Or one that pisses everyone off by sitting with his legs on the table, waiting for the class to quiet?

You'll say the first one. But you mistake my question. When I ask the "effectiveness", I am talking about the "effect", not of 1 hour, not of 2 hours, but of a lifetime.

What is the effect of a teacher screaming at a class to keep quiet? If he has a scary enough voice, they will keep quiet. They might even keep quiet automatically from every other lesson onwards. But that's all. The shouting becomes a large, explosive, but short effect. Immediate, but short.

What about the one that remains silent? The class will not react immediately. When they finally react, they will have lost some time in learning. They might bitch. They might think the teacher a retard. They might grow to hate him. They might gossip. They might become respectful.

Yes, the former can also become hated and gossiped about. But the significance of silence? The significance is that it CAN BE INTERPRETATED IN ANY WAY. The teacher that shouts will expect, and probably receive, the effect of EVERYONE in the class becoming quiet and paying attention. But the teacher that keeps silent can expect anything from an initiative "shh!" to raucous laughter and insults. Everyone will react in a different way to silence, and each of that reaction will spark off yet another set of different reactions, which will go on and on.

With the former, everything is so boring. Everyone shuts up, and everyone hates the teacher, and everyone spreads rumours, and everyone wants to fuck him up...

With the latter, there will be people who will do the above, and there will be people who respect him, and there will be people who learn from him, and there will be people who think he's daft... And each different reaction will touch off another set of different reactions, which will go on and on and on.

Think of it this way.

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You can see how Silence will have a far greater effect, right?

Its ironic, that the action that is the most passive will touch off the most repercussions.

"Use your knowledge like a pocket watch - don't take it out to show off, but give the time when you're asked." - some old guy.

The exact quote is on my NY forums account's signature. Basically, its saying the same thing. Keep quiet, though you're absolutely bursting with knowledge, and only share it when you're asked.

There are so many things that you can do with your voice, with commanding, with confrontations and shouting. But how much more can you do with Silence?

Its a double-edged sword, of course, since the effects of Silence is like rolling a stone off the top of mount everest. It will snowball, and whatever the effects, once started, is unstoppable.

Do you know how I will continue to build my case? I'll tell you: by going to bed. I'm tired, lazy and fucking pissed, so I won't continue. Besides, in this scenario, I will let Silence speak for itself. Afterall, the effects will be something interesting to see.

Looking to the future~
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