Virtue or Sin: Apathy

"Do you know that drinking green tea will lower your sperm count?"

I stared at Melissa, right hand gripping the Pokka Green Tea bottle, left hand on the canteen table, sitting in a poser-ish fashion. Then I slowly raised the bottle to my lips and continued to drink.

"I'm very concerned."

I continued to stare at her, then I lowered the bottle and arched my right brow.

Apathy. Is it a virtue, or a sin? Before we begin, I would like to apologise to anyone who thought that, because of the previous post, I'd only be posting once a month. I'll say here, now, that my "period" where I menstruate my troubles will be as and when I like. I'm not a girl, so I have no "monthly" restriction.

ap·a·thy (p-th)n.

1) Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2) Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

Thanks, again, dictionary.com. So, now that we know what's apathy, we must next ask ourselves, why. Why does apathy exist? Perhaps, if we can puzzle out the reason for apathy, we can make a judgement on whether being apathetic is a sin or a show of virtue.

However, there is no free lunch in this world. So, as you can imagine, our task isn't quite as easy as I have said. The reasons people are apathetic to the world around themselves in general is diverse. It runs the gamut from "Being apathetic is COOL man!" to "I... don't care."

So, how can we qualify "Apathy", if we cannot even have a standard of reasons why it exists in the first place? In this case, we simply have to speculate.

Now, I think people are apathetic for several reasons. A lack of interest because, in general, the said subject doesn't concern the person at all. So this guy who you knew for ten years and is amongst your best friends is going to jump from the top of that building. An average person will start weeping and begging and saying "OMFG, you're KIDDING, right?"

An apathetic person will probably shrug and say, "I... don't care." The reason because the death of the said person, friend though he might be, will not have a direct impact on the life of our subject. If your friend dies, what will impact on you? You'll grieve, you'll feel sad, you'll cry, you'll also, after a period of time, get on with your life. An apathetic person sees all these, and goes straight to the end point. He gets on with his life. It doesn't have a direct impact on him, so he doesn't care.

A lack of interest because there is no real impact on the person. A good reason to be apathetic? Perhaps.

What about those people who are apathetic to himself even? This maniac comes over and slashes the apathetic guy. He stares at the wound, takes a tissue, applies direct pressure, and goes on with whatever he's doing. Why? If it were you, you'll probably go like, "OMFG, I've been GODDAMNED SLASHED!!! ARRGH!~!" Well, perhaps the apathetic guy realises, at some deep, subconscious level, that there is NOTHING he can do about it. So, he's been slashed. Its a manic. Can the slash be un-made? Can the maniac disappear into thin air? Even if all that were possible... could the person who make all those miracles happen be the slashed-apathetic guy? Why, of course not. He's no mage. How can he un-slash a cut, how can he un-ravel the madness in the maniac?

Since he can do nothing... is there any reason to be concerned with the situation?

A lack of interest because there's nothing to do about it. A good reason to be apathetic? Perhaps.

So, what about our more contemporary apathetic people? What's the reason Bob doesn't give a shit if Jeeva would die the next day? What's the reason Jeeva won't give a shit if Bob doesn't take his re-retest? What's the reason why Swee Wei won't care if I kicked myself in the ass?

What's the reason I always look so sian on CCA duties?

"Why are you always so sian?"

I stared at Sebastian with a deadpan look. I can visualize myself, eyes half-lidded, face stony, a hint of a grimace. I shrugged, "am I?"

Why why why?

Perhaps its because I have no one in the same class as me in the CCA. Perhaps so. Afterall, since Xin Hui is in redcross, and only during rc meetings am I less apathetic, that theory has some hard proof. Furthermore, other examples prove me right. I look at Shu Ting playing her guzheng, her class mate a couple of seats away; I look at Ying Hui, passing netballs, her class mate as her partner; I look at Swee Wei, mulling over council stuff with Nadz; I look at Bob and Yuan Long, walking to the Drama Club room to paint; I look at Faith and Sylvia, laughing and joking. And then I look at myself. Entering LT 4 all alone, greeting my colleagues with a wan smile, colleagues that are all in the science stream. I look at myself, walking into room 4-33, smiling reservedly, arching brows, acting dao.

Is it really all because I have no one in my class in the same CCA as me?

No, actually, if you think about it, no. That's not the reason for my apathy. Eunice doesn't have a classmate in Red Cross. Yvonne doesn't have a classmate in Red Cross. Hui Ming doesn't have a classmate in D&J. Jia Sheng doesn't have a classmate in AVA. Ying Hui doesn't have a classmate in Red Cross. Chun Zheng doesn't have a classmate in Council. Yi Cheng doesn't have classmates in Red Cross. Besides which, Xin Hui and I hardly talk during Red Cross, if ever, only to irritate her. And yet, at the same time, they are all so empathetic to everyone else during CCAs. So no, being the only one in my class in the CCA is not the reason for my apathy.

So, if it isn't other people's fault, then perhaps its my own fault? Yes, that's probably it. I mean, if others can go through CCA without classmates beside them every step of the way and still be happy and all, its probably my own fault I can't, isn't it? No matter the reason, whether be it I didn't try hard enough, or my best efforts were pathetic, its still my fault, no?

Well, I could say that, but wouldn't it be alittle too harsh on myself? Wouldn't it be alittle irrational to blame myself and only myself for everything? On the other-hand, isn't blame-assigning, even to oneself, an undesirable action? Afterall, if I went around assigning blame for everything that happens to myself, I'll probably be the one jumping off that building for the sheer weight of the guilt.

Also, its alittle cowardly. I mean, its not easy to say that oneself is the one at fault, but its still easier than facing up to the truth. I mean, its so much easier to say, "OMG, that guy stumbled as he ran by me. ITS ALL MY FAULT. I SHOULD DIE!" and then take out a couple of cutters and slash my wrists. End of story. So easy, isn't it? It certainly is easier than searching for the truth. Why, the "search for truth" by its very nature, is an excercise in futility. By the fact that "Truth" is perceived, and therefore not "True" at all, any "search for truth" will be doomed to failure. It'll be so much easier to end everything with a simple, "Its all my fault."

So then, what is the reason for my apathy? I have come so far, yet not come up with an answer. Another possibility occurs to me. Perhaps, for me, its a defense mechanism? For Lear, he sought refuge in madness rather than face his own tragic flaw, and perhaps, for me, its my only way, my naive way, of hiding from the realities of this world.

"I'm changing"

I stared at the computer screen, my fingers frozen for a moment. Inside me, I am laughing. "Shannen! You baka. Everyone changes. Stop being so naive and grow up!" Inside me, I am sighing. "Its happening again. A self-realized change is one that is not reversible. Shannen is changing."

I continue to read.

"I think I'm no longer as cheerful as before."

I stared at the computer screen. Inside me, I am laughing. "Shannen! How stupid! How naive! Happiness? Whoever gets true happiness in this world? What a laughable joke!" Inside me, I am weeping. "I remember a year ago, when we first met, during one of our first study sessions in Shu Ting's house. I remember that mega-watt, shy smile. Is it gone forever now?"

Which should I choose? The apathetic me? The one that scorns at Shannen's fears of her changing self? Or the me that will weep with her, grieve with her? If I choose the former... where is my sensitivity? Where is my humanity? If I choose the latter... how much more of such changes can I withstand before my nerves break down from the constant barrage of pain and grief?

I searched the web for a suitable poem. I browsed the shops for a suitable present. 2 weeks I devoted into this task. 2 weeks to the culmination of over a year's silence. When the time came, when I slipped the CD with the poem within into her bag, and with the reply a flat no, what should I do? Should I shrug it off? Where would my sincerity be? Should I cry and cry, for the loss of a love I never owned? Now, years later, the same has happened in a different mask, in a different way. What shall my response be again?

How shall I shield myself from the harsh realities of this world? By drowning in beer and alcohol? By finding distractions forever? Or by being apathetic?

Apathy. Is it really a sin?

"What shall poor Cordelia speak? Love, and be silent.."

Looking to the future~
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