Ego-poke

I'm way behind on my medicine. Its far overdue for an ego poke. Well, from here on, it'll be all the nitty gritty details of my mediocre-ness and reflections of my ass-arrogant actions. If you skip it, I won't blame you. 'Sides, I'd prefer you skipped it. There are some things in here you shouldn't know anyway, and yeah, that message was for all my friends, past and present.

Chapter 1:

Let's start from today. I just woke up, and.

Wait, I didn't just wake up. I woke up long ago. I just didn't want to admit it. I woke up around 7. My mom was calling me, reminding me of my promise to her last night that I would go with my parents to the wet market for breakfast. My brain was perfectly conscious, with just the comfortable need to snuggle in just alittle longer.

I pushed her away, faked moaning and groaning, and thrashed when she got too close to unmasking me.

She left, again.

Yes, it wasn't the first time I've held her up for a morning breakfast promise. Its not that I do not like to go there anymore. Its just because I'm too lazy. I'm not avoiding the breakfast because its not nice, or that I would sulk because of sleep cut short (I would) but rather, because I was too lazy to do anything else other than throw her invitation back in her face.

Disgusting shit eh?

Well, that's not the end of it.

My parents came back a couple of hours later, just after I finally deigned to drag my big, fat, sorry ass outta the bed. During the breakfast they bought back for me, I listened to them work.

You remember the entry I wrote some time ago about Truth and Lies of the commercial world? Well, I heard my father telling my mother off that she got conned by the vegetable stall man while peeling prawns. Her retorting banters as she unpacked the vegetables were without the usual acidity that marked it was a serious argument.

Conclusion? My parents were not as stupid as I made them out to be in that entry.

I had the nerve, I had the audacity, to look at these two people, with near 35 more years of experience than me, and expect them to be less knowledgeable than me. Oh sure, they can't do trigo sums, they can't write GP essays, they can't argue history points. But what the fuck, I dared to doubt their street-smartness? I dared to doubt their practicality? I dared to doubt their world experience?

Just because I had reasoned out how the commercial world went about cheating others didn't mean I could act all high and mighty and treat my mother to a lecture at the dinner table. Plueh.

As always, when I look back now, those actions, which had seemed so perfectly right and normal, were disgusting and pathetic attempts at getting attention of a love-starved, egotistical, good-for-nothing, foolish twit with peas for brains. My reaction was "impossible to be me", but as usual, a closer look proved that wrong. It was all too possible. I'd grown arrogant these past two months, shot my mouth off more times than I care to count, and acting like a fucked up brat enough times that I wonder why my friends don't abandon me.

Chapter 2:

Yes, there's a chapter two. And it is still on my parents. Yesterday, actually. I got home from the exams, during the way which I loitered with them, presumably to do homework. Well, they did do some, while I just slacked there, glad to be with them, and doing anything but work.

When I got home, I wasn't in a good mood. I never was. I think my brain thought that being a troubled teen when I reach home was something that was "cool". I mean, sling bag over my shoulder, a slight frown marring my features, my eyes cold and far away, my hands twitching as if itching for a fight. Cool image eh? Well, super-impose my face over that image.

There now, vommit it all out. You'd feel better.

Yes, I was acting cool, and being a total twit. I got home, not in a good mood, and went straight to my room to switch on my computer. I mean, hey, I just got back from an exam, from slacking, and a mere two days from my main exams, I go straight to my computer the moment I got home.

Wow.

Doesn't take a genius to know that any normal parents would come in to scold. Well, mine didn't. Not because they didn't care, but because I never told them. Well, they never asked.

Anyway, I found out my internet wasn't working so well. I checked out the modem connection, and my father walked in at that moment to tell me there was some problem (duh!) and he was fixing it.

So I went back and waited. After a few disconnections and reconnections, I blew up, muttering expletives at no one in particular and walking around with the "I feel angry, come near and I'll fuck you up." attitude. Any normal parent would take to the cane to shut that brat up until the problem was fixed in peace. My father didn't. He tried to placate me by working harder, trying different wiring connections, and when his actions came to fruit, I unceremoniously went to my room to resume my interrupted internet session without a word of thanks.

Oh yes, when I did those things, I did think about what I was doing. It was justified that I was angry, afterall. No one likes getting their connection skewed. No one likes having to wait. Espeacially not an adolescent. I looked at the situation, and acted accordingly. My logic was flawless. Except that I didn't equate my father's feelings into that logic. I didn't equate the justification of my actions together with the effects they would have on my father to that logic. I only thought of myself, and I acted accordingly. Like a selfish bastard.

I thought I was cool. I was nothing more than a brat, acting up against his elders. I was nothing more than a child, desperate for attention, and going about getting it in the worst ways possible. I was acting like a "Marcus" or a "Wei Kian".

No offense to those names over there, but yeah.

Its not enough. Two chapters of ego poking are not enough. But I fear the more I put up here, the less friends I will find myself with. Argh, get outta my sight, vincent.

Looking to the future~
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