Feelings

I've been feeling okay lately. Which means, basically, its been a boring time of my life. A period of calm, of little change or upsets. I say little, as there can never be a life that's always smooth going. Crispy doesn't seem to understand that.

We've had a hot debate today about life. Yes, about life. He doesn't seem to understand, or perhaps, he doesn't want to understand that humans possess the worst traits. That we never ever "look on the bright side of life" when there's something less bright to look at. Put a 3 million watt light in front on a person, and a 1 million watt light next to it, and the guy would notice how one is duller, rather than how the other is brighter. Granted, that's only if the guy's not blinded before he makes the judgement.

Humans will always pick out the small, imperfect, fussy details; the less observant ones might miss them, but always, it does happen.

And somehow, I didn't believe myself when I was telling Sylvia not to worry about her skirt being alittle distorted. I was typing things like "don't worry, no one will notice" while saying to myself, "are you sure people will not notice? Are you sure they would be polite enough not to stare if they do notice? Are you sure humans possess that kind of qualities at all?"

But then, maybe I'm in the wrong.

I don't know anymore, what to believe. No, I still stand by my point, that life sucks, and sometimes there's nothing you can do, and that life is never fair, no matter which way you look at it. But I'm no longer sure that what I fight for is the right thing. Maybe Crispy's right, maybe he's the one who has stumbled on the "truth".

Maybe.

Maybe I shouldn't be fighting for something I don't believe in myself. Or maybe this is just another period of identity crisis, after which passes I would believe again in my philosophy. But I don't really care anymore. Life sucks, afterall, it isn't fair. Why should I be given an answer to such a convulated question? Life isn't fair, so I shouldn't be given a chance to figure out my doubts. So I should just fight for what I don't believe in, by believing in it, and convincing myself otherwise.

Have I lost you yet?

I hope so, 'cause I feel lost myself. I'm not interested in searching for answers today, so yeah. Like I told Sylvia, I'm just going to lie back, enjoy what's before me, and push all these to the back of my mind, for eternity if possible, until the time when I need to argue with Crispy again.

再见。